sorry, for being such a bad partner today,
sorry, for not putting in all my effort today,
sorry, for falling so much to the cold hard ground causing you to take the consequences with me today,
sorry, for crying everytime we fall from about 50-80cm off the ground today,
sorry, for not being a helpful, determined and motivated partner for today's physio,
sorry, for dragging you down everything today
sorry, for you getting lectured by coach and banned from training for a month because of my poor standards today
it took me quite a lot of courage to stand in front of you and apologise today after the session, especially with your brothers and my brother around by that time. it felt like i was there for god knows how many years until you finally accepted it. you didnt want to accept it, and i expected it. its just the typical you and you wouldnt want to ''blame'' on others, but not this time round. i clearly know that im not the one who has arm injuries but im dreading you down today instead of helping you. im sorry, those falls must have hurt a lot especially on your arms..... dont even care about my falls, it was my fault.... not yours. you were doing great, but coach's standards are beyond humane. ignore him please, he personally told me afterwards that those harsh words were all directed at me actually. you know he's in a difficult situation too if he only lectured me on it.
bro drove me home and we never spoke a word. used the time to reflect on today's and i felt that i wasnt doing my part right....i guess i deserved it.
looking back at how all these happened in just one event. our racquets smashed past each other, we fell, me below with bleeding right elbow, 3 fractured fingers, bleeding knee, pulled hamstring and torn my ankle ligament all on my dominant leg and having your heavy weight stacked on top ((ouch okay i still hate you for this)), while you dislocated your dominant arm and twisted your ankle with finger fractures too. i was just..bleeding so much on the court, and we got sent to hospital immediately. thank god i didnt need any blood transfer. whew. i dont know what happened, i just fell unconscious because i was in too much pain and the nurse gave me anesthetics. i woke up to my whole right arm and right leg wrapped in rounds and rounds of bandages ((the right side of me looked like a white doll literally)) with my leg hanging up on a cloth they hung from the ceiling. i remember, there was like 7 metal rods wrapped on my leg in total..... i couldnt walk for one whole month and when i started walking again i just fell and wow it was right in front of you. how embarrassing can it get .__.
i was 12, you were 13 and 4 years have passed Ö i know you'll read this but please do not put all the blame on you because you're the guy and you're the older one. so what? altho im a year younger and im a girl, we have SHARED responsibilities since we play doubles TOGETHER, not singles. i know you still feel down the whole day when you thought of it ((dont ask me how i found out)). i blame myself at times too, and sometimes i even cry while thinking of this. but its not just your fault!!¡! i remember you were on the bed beside mine while we were hospitalised, but you pulled the curtains, you never dared to talk or even look at me, you treated me as invisible because you didnt dare to face the truth. fortunately it was the year end school holidays hence we did not have to go school nor face judging looks from others who do not know. and luckily we did not have to reveal our identity heh. we didnt talk for like 2 months because we were both blaming everything on ourselves?? its okay, we were young, and lets face it together now :)
we never talked about this incident since it happened. its still a sensitive topic and you need stop blaming everything on yourself. it doesnt help, nor its your fault. this life chose us, and we shall live with it. we need to learn to adapt to it, and not how it adapts to us!
can we, move on and improve for the better, for everyone, so that we can play on the same court and do everyone proud again?
男儿有泪不轻弹，只因未到伤心处
看你伤心失望的心情真难受
放开它，去接受挑战，把障碍给克服去
重新站在球场上，为大家争光吧
不要在把全部的责任推卸给自己了
我也有失误的时候，不知是你，
这是身为运动员的命运，它选了我们，
我们就一起接受挑战克服困难吧 :-)
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