never-ending physiotherapy

it was horrible. i've never once felt so bad after a session, NEVER EVER. we had such a bad start since coach was there. no one wants him during physio sessions, it gets so intense to the extent that i felt like falling apart, live life aimlessly with a problematic ankle, and an likely upcoming problem from my left arm. sometimes it makes me wonder that whether these physio sessions are actually helping me or making my ankle worse 

sorry, for being such a bad partner today, 

sorry, for not putting in all my effort today,

sorry, for falling so much to the cold hard ground causing you to take the consequences with me today, 

sorry, for crying everytime we fall from about 50-80cm off the ground today,

sorry, for not being a helpful, determined and motivated partner for today's physio,

sorry, for dragging you down everything today

sorry, for you getting lectured by coach and banned from training for a month because of my poor standards today

it took me quite a lot of courage to stand in front of you and apologise today after the session, especially with your brothers and my brother around by that time. it felt like i was there for god knows how many years until you finally accepted it. you didnt want to accept it, and i expected it. its just the typical you and you wouldnt want to ''blame'' on others, but not this time round. i clearly know that im not the one who has arm injuries but im dreading you down today instead of helping you. im sorry, those falls must have hurt a lot especially on your arms..... dont even care about my falls, it was my fault.... not yours. you were doing great, but coach's standards are beyond humane. ignore him please, he personally told me afterwards that those harsh words were all directed at me actually. you know he's in a difficult situation too if he only lectured me on it.

bro drove me home and we never spoke a word. used the time to reflect on today's and i felt that i wasnt doing my part right....i guess i deserved it.

looking back at how all these happened in just one event. our racquets smashed past each other, we fell, me below with bleeding right elbow, 3 fractured fingers, bleeding knee, pulled hamstring and torn my ankle ligament all on my dominant leg and having your heavy weight stacked on top ((ouch okay i still hate you for this)), while you dislocated your dominant arm and twisted your ankle with finger fractures too. i was just..bleeding so much on the court, and we got sent to hospital immediately. thank god i didnt need any blood transfer. whew. i dont know what happened, i just fell unconscious because i was in too much pain and the nurse gave me anesthetics. i woke up to my whole right arm and right leg wrapped in rounds and rounds of bandages ((the right side of me looked like a white doll literally)) with my leg hanging up on a cloth they hung from the ceiling. i remember, there was like 7 metal rods wrapped on my leg in total..... i couldnt walk for one whole month and when i started walking again i just fell and wow it was right in front of you. how embarrassing can it get .__. 

i was 12, you were 13 and 4 years have passed Ö i know you'll read this but please do not put all the blame on you because you're the guy and you're the older one. so what? altho im a year younger and im a girl, we have SHARED responsibilities since we play doubles TOGETHER, not singles. i know you still feel down the whole day when you thought of it ((dont ask me how i found out)). i blame myself at times too, and sometimes i even cry while thinking of this. but its not just your fault!!¡! i remember you were on the bed beside mine while we were hospitalised, but you pulled the curtains, you never dared to talk or even look at me, you treated me as invisible because you didnt dare to face the truth. fortunately it was the year end school holidays hence we did not have to go school nor face judging looks from others who do not know. and luckily we did not have to reveal our identity heh. we didnt talk for like 2 months because we were both blaming everything on ourselves?? its okay, we were young, and lets face it together now :)

we never talked about this incident since it happened. its still a sensitive topic and you need stop blaming everything on yourself. it doesnt help, nor its your fault. this life chose us, and we shall live with it. we need to learn to adapt to it, and not how it adapts to us! 

can we, move on and improve for the better, for everyone, so that we can play on the same court and do everyone proud again?

男儿有泪不轻弹，只因未到伤心处

看你伤心失望的心情真难受

放开它，去接受挑战，把障碍给克服去

重新站在球场上，为大家争光吧

不要在把全部的责任推卸给自己了

我也有失误的时候，不知是你，

这是身为运动员的命运，它选了我们，

我们就一起接受挑战克服困难吧 :-)

sensitivity

there are people who are insensitive, people who are okay, and people who are overly-sensitive etc.

for people who are very very sensitive, you mean we can't tell them their mistakes? what if someone told them their mistakes in a more indirect way? you mean that works? no i dont think so, it just makes thing less awkward and that they wont even be very clear about what's wrong.

to add on, as one of the leading ones, you're the ones that went wrong and you guys didnt not even realise it. hello? WAKE UP ALREADY. dont go around and influence people in the wrong way. not that i have a say nor i can even say about this, we look at you guys in a very different way now. you guys just LOOK LIKE yall are good, but in actual fact, not a tiny bit at all. 

or maybe you say that my expectations are too high. just to let you know, im not the kind that will get frustrated with something if it happens for the first time. if the same mistake gets repeated over and over again, WHY NOT YOU COME AND TELL ME, who will not be fed up?! its just that no one mentions it out so some people dont even realise. 

好心帮忙是为了要达到更高、更好的水平，但反而被别人误会我们，还说我们是有阴谋的

why not YOU try to be in our position? we're doing for the sake to help everyone and not just to look good in front of others, or for show only. i doubt you guys can even do so because based on what you guys are doing at the moment you feel that as long as you know how to do it and thats it you count it as you guys aew good enough. refine them, thanks. your effort will be greatly appreciated.

or perhaps you can say, im straightforward. YES I AM. why am i like that? i wasnt like that in the past, i kept to myself A LOT last time, but i started to be more outspoken now. why? what's the reason? its because no one is speaking up, hence everyone is just doing things in their own ways. its team effort, if only a few individuals try, we will not succeed. is that why people are looking at me from a different perspective now? i think yes, but i sacrificed it for the sake of everyone. the intention behind all these is to improve together as a team, not individuals.

I really hope that people will start looking at things from our perspective too, not just others. and i'm really thankful for the friends who are always by my side supporting me to become even better. love you guys and jiayou too x

the r e a l i t y

things are being covered up at times. it has to be said, and not being hidden anymore. but what im really sad/disappointed/frustrated about is that no one else realised.

you may seem to be a great player but in fact, you're totally not. perhaps your acting skills helped, which is good for on stage purpose i guess? but in actual fact, you cant do it properly. its totally noticable to me. sometimes these things made me feel that others are really really blind. or perhaps they just kept quiet and kind of gave up on yall, and dont wanna give a damn about it anymore?

buck up, please. you think you're good is it? honesly speaking, it's a no. if only we had a honest talk, i am sure that the majority will say no.

sometimes i wonder, what did i do to be dragged into this. im not the problem at all. in fact, somehow i was helping you guys to cover up all the while, unknowingly. i do not want to do this but it just happened coz the others looked at it in a different way.

sighh. this is life.

pressure

5 weeks into year 3.

i guess im coping well? maybe not? im not sure myself either.

i dont really like the teachers i got this year. boring, monotonous etc. for the past two years we had the fun teachers like mr pon, mr wong zz, mr mark lim which makes the class interesting. and speaking of physics its my favourite subject all along with math but this teacher makes it super boring coz he's so monotonous and he goes at a FREAKING SNAIL SPEED even tho its revision? wtf no wonder you always dont have enough time to finish teaching in one lesson.

homework given are doable just that i take some time for certain subjects. they're manageable but just that i really dont feel like doing certain subjects especially LA and bio coz i really really dislike these subjects. but im not that type of person whereby i'll just heck heh. i'll still do everything with the best of my abilities and complete them no matter what is given. i guess this is what helps me alot?

sometimes i dont get it how people can sleep before 11 and im like sleeping only 3-4 hours daily? ohmygod my eyebags are getting bigger and heavier, and those eye rings omg its getting really bad :x dont be shock if you see me still on whatsapp at 3am LOL. its really the norm nowadays to sleep at this time.

i guess im getting busier and busier with CO stuff too hurhur. like the stress of our standard is really coming to me now. ohgod lets just face the fact that we really seriously suck kay? if its just one or two person thats good that doesnt mean the whole orchestra is good. and i dont understand why some of you guys are slacking despite knowing that you have not put in much effort in it. actions speak louder than words. 'i love dhsco!' 'i got prac regularly okay!' its easy to say. everyone can say it. but i doubt your words at times. its whether you really did it or not, or is it efficient enough? you're given the privilege to be in this orchestra so why mot treasure this opportunity?

not naming anyone in particular but you know yourself well.

just really a daily routine to wake up and prepare for school, go to school for lessons, back home, do homework, eat dinner and sleep. i dont find any fun in anything but im not disliking them either as of now. just neutral i guess? 

sometimes, i wonder

 sometimes, i wonder:

what did i wrong?

what did i do to get these parents?

what did i do to get this kind of life?

what did i do?

i really really prefer to work myself till im tired and knock out.

i get really really bored of being the only child, and i get super jealous of people who have siblings, basically most of the people. 

my cousins are all super nice to me. we help each other, encourage each other. we work hard, and yet we play hard at the same time. im really thankful for my elder cousin, who i call him my brother, for being so caring, helpful, and being my support all the time. although you lecture me, you caned me, you slap me, i know that you care and they're for the better of me. but if my parents did these i wouldnt have felt this way. my psle results were real bad that you went to the extent of... making me kneel down. but i guessed i finally learnt the importance of studying and my results after y2 streaming which similar stuff happened again. oops im really really sorry how i am such a huge disappointment. but still, you're the best person i can ever ask for despite being harsh, being strict oh me. how i wish you're my real sibling as an elder brother :/ but we work hard play hard together heh. thank you, for guiding me along all this while :')

my parents, i've got nothing much to say. my friends are the ones that make my day everyday, not them. my parents, most of the time, they make things difficult, they're not receptive to changes, no sense of urgency, only knows how to complain, and gets too proud of themselves most of the times and start bragging. think you damn good ah. they dont understand technology, they dont bloody understand what is the difference between wifi, data and roaming after explaining 902983733973 times -__- not say you guys are giving me a good life either. can we, settle in sg and don't come back to malaysia so often? im really going to die of tiring myself out. kindly be more civilised when you guys are outdoors too. not the whole place is yours.

sometimes, i wonder, why didnt i have a better life. what did i do to really deserve this :/ sometimes my parents make me feel happy too, but not all of the time. they burden me mostly :( they really have to stop asking me everything this is getting onto my nerves. not everything has to go YOUR WAY. it can be MY WAY too. hi im 15 already. do spare a thought for others and not just yourself thanks. no wonder your colleagues dont really like you either.

i spend most of my time in school, or when out of school, with my friends or rather alone instead of being with my parents. i dont like staying at home with my parents anymore. i prefer to be at home alone. being alone allows me to think about the events happened, about my life and such. i can do anything i want too.

my motivation to keep going has been from school, friends, cca, bro, my results and achievements. i do hope that i'll be able to achieve what i have set for myself :)

another person. thank you so much for making my days in malaysia fruiful, enjoyable. going to your house to study, to play has always made my day. you've known me well enough that you always try to cheer me up when im alone and start thinking about stuff, inviting me over to spend time together. thank you for helping me to improve my chinese, and of course you're welcome that your math and science improved :) i like how we're able to help each other academically :') cant wait to see you again €:

i think some people will get shocked after reading this post hurhur. i guess, i havent really open up to people that much yet, or you dont know me well. you're considered knowing me well if you've known about my brother disciplining me x)

things change, as the generation changes. perhaps, try to understand others?

i do hope miracles happen.

i wish i am as carefree as elmo.